What not to do to Snape
by Kasumi shiro kuro chi
Summary: A letter from a muggle born (OC) to her other muggle born friend (Yes, another OC) listing rules of what not to do to Snape beaucse things are getting OUT OF HAND! rated for swearing, immature humor, and sexual references!


**Authors note!**

**Disclaimer: I'm not, and never will be, J.K rowling, so I don't own Harry Potter or any of it's characters. But I do own my 2 OC's in this letter. **

**Written with my great friend , we have made this for **_**comedy **_**purposes only. If any are repeated from other 'what not to do' it is by coincidence. Please review because this was meant to be posted back in 2012! Enjoy reading :D**

_To my dear friend_

_Please read all of this because the whole school worries for you and I'm having a tough year too. I think out of everyone Snape is getting the worst. If you get your ass expelled from Hogwarts I will personally kill you. So follow these rules and I think you'll be fine. Hopefully... I have collected all the things you have done this year, or things you have or are about to attempt. Proceed. _

Things to not do to Snape

-hit on him

-let peeves in his private quarters

-offer to give him a hug

-give him shampoo

-tell him to "get a life"

-tell him that he is emo

-call him "Mr Snugglepants"

-make a exploding potion in class

-slip love (or any) potions into his meal

-yell "half blood prince" in potions class (or anywhere)

-tell him he's wearing ladies underwear

-turn his clothes rainbow

-turn his hair neon or hot pink-ask him to the Yule ball

-ask him to take Remus lupin to the Yule ball or on a date

-ask him if he want to see your chamber of secrets-ask him if he sparkles in the sunlight

-ask him if he has fangs

-brush his hair

-get into his bed

-tell him "Pinocchio needs his nose back"

-ask what shampoo he uses then continue to sniff his hair

- do not suck on lollipops during potions

-don't tell him to "get over lily. She's dead" (it is offensive)

-when Harry is late do not tell him he was to exhausted after Draco fucked him, he'll surely have a heart attack

-when Snape gives your book back don't wipe it and say "who knows what you were doing with your hands"

-don't ask Snape if you can make a potion that gives guys erections. (Really,don't)

-don't ask Snape if he's "voldermorts love child"

-and that voldermorts partner is a guy therefore he is gay

-(defiantly) don't ask if you can kiss him

-don't ask if you can date him

-don't ask if he eats kids

-don't ask if he is gay

-and what he does when he gives lupin his wolfsbane potion

-don't say "oh, you didn't get DADA again this year"

-don't ask if he is married

-don't release chocolate frogs in class

-don't say "one night with me and you'll be called moaning murtle" (or to anyone)

-don't write "blink if you like me"on your book and hand into Snape

-detention is not "alone time" with Snape

-don't name any of your Pokemon Snape

-don't wink, wave or seductively look at Snape (for the love of god, please don't)

-Don't ask Snape if he likes Harry

-Don't ask I'd he likes lupin

-don't ask if he likes you

-don't ask who he likes

-don't ask if you can "polish his wand" (you know what I mean)

-don't try and see if he is ticklish

-don't ask if he had an affair with Harry's father

-Don't challenge him to go up to Harry and say "I am your father"

-don't ask about his love life-ever

-don't look at him dreamily in class

-don't ask the weasly twins if you can borrow their fireworks and set them off in potions

-don't use any weasly products in potions...or in any class

- don't ask if today's potion can be used as sexual lubricant

- never, ask Snape if you can go to his "private chambers"

-don't transfigure his clothes... Just don't

-don't hang his clothes to dry on the whomping willow

-don't bring a fairy floss machine into potions

-potions class is not cooking class

-no, don't offer Snape what you have cooked up

-don't question his style of black

-no, his animal is not a bat

-no, he doesn't want to participate in the tri-wizard tournament

-don't follow him to see if he ever wears anything else but those clothes

-yes, like any normal person he bathes

-Yes, he does eat

-No, he doesn't have a love life, so just stop asking

-Yes, he sleeps

-don't ask if he dyes his hair

-don't tell him you know about his "relationship"

-don't ask Snape why he doesn't have a beard

-yes, you can see him in a mirror

-don't try to jump scare him! (There are consequences)

-yes, he is a legal teacher

- when he asks why you even attend potions class, don't say "because of you"

-don't ask what his favourite colour is

-don't ask about his parents

-don't create a "teachers where rainbow colours" day

-don't hug him for "hug a slytherin day"

-and there is no such thing as "hug a slytherin day!

-don't make him wear tight, shiny black leather... No, really

- don't call him pf. Hanns Gruber

- die hard doesn't even exist in this world

-don't send him valentine cards

-don't spoon feed him

-don't put a camera in his room

- for the love of god, don't attempt to murder him!

- don't ask if Harry is actually his child

- He does not cut himself

- Don't go all machoism on him when he hits you with a book

- this as well doesn't give you a right to ask him if he's a sadist. dont ask.

- or if he participates in BDSM

- no more sexually related comments

- don't make him take points off your house if your pissed at your housemates

- don't try and get below zero in house points. This isn't a record setting thing

- just because his soul animal is a Doe, he is still a guy

- and just because James was a stag, does not make them gay

- Snape is wearing a cape, not a dress

- don't mimic his cape flicking

- don't mimic his voice

- NO MIMICKING

- do ask him to wear glasses like every other old teacher

- nor ask him why he's not retired

- no, he does not have a hidden 6 pack under that cape

- or 8 pack

- he's fat

- his wand isn't made of "baby bones and child heart string"

-he's not a murderer

-... Of children

- don't spread ANY rumours about him

- Snape is not actually a Hufflepuff

- and for the last time THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS HUGGING DAY

- follow him and repeatedly sing "Snape, Snape, Severus Snape."

- spread rumours about an illicit love affair between Harry and Snape and say it gives a

whole new meaning to 'detention and punishment'

- Snape is not wearing a wig, so you have to stop tugging at his hair

- also, you must stop attempting to shave his hair off

-...because you think he'll look like voldermort bald

-...and then wear his hair as a wig to class

-...and attempt to teach the class saying that you are Snape.

- don't steal his clothes

-...and then wear them

-don't look for death marks on his body

-same go's for hickeys

- don't ask how to spell his name, frankly, it is just a stupid idea

-don't attempt to decorate his room with rainbow paint and glitter

-...and then do blame it on the houseelfs

-don't introduce Snape to S.P.E.W.

- don't start saying "I SHIP HARRY AND SNAPE!"

-...and goes for any Snape shipping

-don't draw explicit yaoi pictures of Snape and James

-then make copies and paste them on all the walls of Hogwarts

-don't put the invisible puffskins in his room, even if you say they are "just there to clean his nose"

- just because he has a cut on his leg, Snape is not suicidal

-...so you must stop saying things like "there's still so much to live for!"

-...and as well, stop carrying Lilly's around since he isn't going to die

-...and stop digging that grave in the school yard every night

-... And get rid of that coffin under the bed

- (no seriously I worry)

-don't offer the coffin to Snape and tell him, "I found you a new bed"

-don't give him "ANYTHING" on valentines day, not even your work.

-don't say that Cupid has shot an arrow at him and will soon shoot another at his next lover.

-his favourite colour (shade) is black, not pink

-don't put any kind of potion in his drink

-for the love of god, don't ask him, "where do babies come from"

-stop the "slytherin" jokes, like "may I Slytherin?"

-no, his hair will not look better rainbow

-...or any other colour for that matter

-don't give him mints, especially while saying "You're breath could kill first years!"

-his bedroom is not called the bat cave

-...nor is it called: The den, black hole, love room, Snape's hideout or Bob

-why would it even be called Bob?

-don't introduce Snape to modern technology

-...and even if you do, ALL, social networks are OUT OF BOUNDS

-don't start photoshopping his pictures

-...the moustache was not very funny

-...neither was the fire hair

-...or Michael Jackson humping him

-...photoshop is just plain CRUEL!

-(photoshop is not allowed to be used by you. Period!)

-don't put Snape under the imperious curse and make him dance

-...especially if the dance is the Macarena, Gangnam style, nutbush, Ho down or hockey pokey.

- and for the love of god no twerking

- ESPECIALLY if he starts with a strip tease

-under the imperious curse, no singing either. There will be 100 dead and the rest wounded.

-don't introduce Snape to Pokemon

-...or yaoi

-...or fan fiction

-don't attempt to show him the first die hard movie as it doesn't exist in their realm.

-don't make Snape kill one direction

-...or attempt to do it yourself as they are human beings and even though a lot of people would like to see them dead, a lot of people want them to live

-throw things at him...I don't know why you have been doing that lately

-sing songs to him

-...especially the alphabet, nursery rhymes or 100 potion bottles on the wall

-don't smash potions while singing 100 potion bottles on the wall

- and the sex song singing stops now.

-don't attempt to vanquish Snape

-he isn't a deamon, so stop yelling deamon related insults.

-and while doing so, using 'supernatural' (T.V show) as inspiration.

-don't pay him. It is very disturbing and he is very close to killing you.

-after you finish Hogwarts, don't attempt to make it as DADA teacher just to make fun of Snape.

- he is Snape. Not ape or S n ape (n pronounced an)

- S ever us is not an appropriate shirt label.

.-..neither is putting 'for ever us" instead of "for Severus"

-Snape doesn't use makeup to make his face look more pale.

-April fools shouldn't be celebrated and defiantly not on Snape.

-...the water bombs weren't funny

-...for him

-Snape isn't the one spreading head lice around school and nor did he start it

-no giving Snape nicknames. Snapey and Snape-kins and mr.S were just stupid.

-Snape isn't part snake. Where do you even come up with these?!

-when he gives you a detention, it is stupid to say "he gave me the D"

- and enough with "the D" jokes

-"can you do the homework for me?" or "Can we just not get homework today?" are stupid questions and will probably conclude with another detention, which again isn't another D.

-Don't rock up to detention an hour early on a Sunday. People do want to sleep.

-SSSSSSSNNNNNAAAAAPPPPPEEEEEE! Is not the answer for any .

-don't question Snape's knowledge of potions.

-don't question Snape.

-don't correct Snape

-...if you do, he'll correct your face with a cauldron

-I don't think he has a middle name,but even if he does, stop asking him what it is.

-don't offer him red or pink or sapphire or- oh what the heck! Don't offer or give him any lipstick!

-"sooo, what did happen to your parents?" Is a very rude an impolite question. Especially when you already know what the answer is going to be. Don't be that bitch woman. Don't.

-don't bring a cake to class with candles and sing Snape "happy birthday" on his birthday.

-...and stop trying to find out what day he has his birthday

-...I'm not very sure that he likes cake or sweets, so I'm trying to save your effort

- don't talk to Snape in a different language

-...this includes magical languages

-don't attempt to stare Snape down. And he does blink occasionally

-SSNEAVPEERUS isn't a nice name for him and is just his name mixed together.

-peeves can be spelt in his name, but this doesn't mean they are related.

-don't attempt to move Snape into divination class, or any class other then potions for that matter.

-or make a sex ed class and put him in charge (you would somehow pull it off. Don't ask, you just fucking would)

- talking about nicknames (again), Sev was given to him by lily. He'll probably give you a detention and cry the night away if you say it... It might be worth it - but don't do it

-there is no *******clip clop******* sound made when he walks SO he doesn't wear high heels.

-just enough of accusing him of athletes foot!

-don't use spells to give him erections (WHY?!)

-or any potions that make him aroused. (Really, stop the attempts. It's cost me an arm and

leg!)

- no trying to predict when he dies in Divination class. How is it even "amusing" ?

-no introducing him to dating sites. Period.

-don't even make up a fake account for it!

-don't ever again sneak up to the astronomy tower to just make Snape get up in the middle of the night to get you back to dorm (and hand a detention. That isn't a D!)

- and once up there don't proceed to ask him to "watch stars" with you...

-it mentally scarred him for a week... Thus proceeds the rule of not scaring Snape

-your not a first name basis with him.

-and I'm running our of parchment, so if I miss anything I will yell at you.

-you now what, just don't talk to him and avoid him and shit will go down well

- PS. The last straw was proposing to him in the middle of class, like, woman, your going to get expelled soon!

-PPS. At least Dumbledoor got the joke

-PPPS. And thus I must start the 'things not to do to Dumbledoor' list

-PPPPS. No seriously woman, HOW DO YOU EVEN DO THIS?!

**No amount of convincing will make me write one of these for Dumbledoor. Reviews are accepted. If you flame…. Who hurt you? **

**And I hope you will all remember to not traumatize our poor Snape (just kidding. Make him suffer!) **


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